"Baby, it’s so peculiar / A nightmare re-occurring / But only when I’m wide awake..."
The failure... and the fallout.
The biggest surprise that comes with wrecking your life as you knew it is often how eerily quiet the aftermath can be. You almost wish everything about it would be more epic – that your existence could be scored and edited like a film, or that your external world would feel more visceral and more loud to echo the turmoil inside... But pain can be so very silent. And suffering so very magnified by the stillness imposed in time's absolute refusal to fast forward.
Grief can be at its worst when it's... mundane.
Things that were once vibrant and alive are gray and gone. Things that were full are hollow. The house is empty. That person can't be there to text anymore. You can no longer meet up with those people. You're no longer welcome in that place. (Or you can no longer stomach being there regardless.)
Gravity catches up.
"...Oh my God / I came to just in time to watch it burn /
Gasoline on my hands and a grave lesson learned..."
It's often our failures which give us the courage to pull the Band Aid off and truly examine the wound. When you wreck everything else, you no longer have anything to lose. You start to realize that you might as well know the truth if everything is already upside-down. Fear loosens its grip when the worst case scenario has already happened, and there's no Old to cling to. Because the New is happening whether you like it or not.
What matters is that you own your part in the chaos. It's the only way to have a stake in the creation which follows it.
"...I loved you for so long / And I love you today /
But I don't know / How long I can live in a house by your grave."
OUR FIFTH EPISODE DANCES WITH THE THEMES AND IDEAS OF 'LOVE IS NOT A CHOICE' – THE FIFTH TRACK ON DEREK WEBB'S NEW ALBUM, 'FINGERS CROSSED.'
THE SONG ITSELF ALSO PROVIDES THE ENTIRE MUSICAL AND SONIC BACKDROP TO ANY PHONE CALLS AND CORRESPONDENCE WE ARE FEATURING THIS WEEK.
ABOUT SEASON ONE:
Derek Webb has described his new album, Fingers Crossed, as 'a tale of two divorces.' Our first season of The Airing of Grief Podcast dives into the album track-by-track, with each song providing the themes and musical backdrop for an accompanying episode. Whether you're new to Derek's music or a longtime fan, the topics discussed and the stories of our guests should prove themselves to be a compelling journey for any listener. Wherever you might find yourself on issues of faith or spirituality, there is room at the table for all of these voices to be heard and celebrated. Raw, real, and authentic, The Airing of Grief strives to be a safe place to strip away the pretense and really listen to the heart.